It's been a year

 A full year since I last blogged about anything. 

It's been a wonderful and truly horrible year.

After 38 years of marriage, my George died suddenly.  I will be forever grateful that his last day was so filled with joy. He spent several hours at the local war museum fixing old models and creating new ones for the various displays. He came home and ate his favorite meal, played with the dogs and spent some quality time with me just sharing what his day had been like.

He went to bed and was sleeping soundly....so was I...when I heard him make a noise.  I jumped from the bed, turned on the light and saw my George. I called 911,

He stopped breathing. I started CPR...the emts arrived and took over. George had not breathed on his own for over 1/2 hour. He was definitively brain damaged but I didn't know how badly...yet.

George was transferred to a local hospital where he was sent to the ICU....they had intubated him.  He had a DNR order but had never signed the blasted thing, so I had no legal options. My power of attorney did NOT give me the right to take him off the life support, even though it was quite obvious to everyone that his brain activity was less than fully functional. George, my George was gone...leaving a body behind that was being kept alive by machines.

He was hospitalized for four days.  Four days of not knowing who I was, of not being able to maintain eye contact or understand the spoken word. Four days of being unable to swallow...or control his body movements. 

His brothers came as soon as they could and arrived the same day I had finally persuaded his doctor to release him to Hospice care. A neurology report had come back to confirm that a massive stroke had rendered his brain far beyond repair....with only brain stem activity. 

George came home on the 22nd of September.  His brothers had a chance to say goodbye. Josh, the young man that George loved as a grandson had a chance to say goodbye.

George died peacefully the following day.

And my life changed. Completely and not for the better. My companion of 60 years, my best friend and my husband all left me. I am alone for the very first time in my life. I have no one to kiss awake or hug goodnight. No one to cook for...no one to clean for. Or make a quilt for. Or laugh with over silly British comedies, No one who remembers our elementary through high school years...or our raising kids.

There are no models in my dining room.  No shoes left in every room of the house for me to trip over.

I kept a bottle of his aftershave.  I open it carefully and just breath in the scent that George used...and I can see him in my mind's eye...I can hear his laugh. I can almost feel his arms around me. But it doesn't last and I feel cleaved in half yet again.

I feel. I feel guilt for living, for laughing and for being so very angry.  I want to scream at him..."how could you leave me?", "Why did you leave me?" "Damn it all George, you were supposed to live longer than me!".

George left me a list.  On it are "suggestions" for each week...at first it was for each day, but enough time has gone by that it is now a once per week thing. He left instructions for his modals, his books, his clothes records and dvd's. He left instructions to "change the bedroom" so it was truly mines and not ours.

 All of the things he wrote, arranged or suggested have helped enormously. I think without his words to me I would have simply given up. I would have found a way to join him. He knew I would feel that way and did his best to force me to live. His list has helped. I'm still here. I just don't want to be. But I still have six pages to go and I know that by the time I finish George's list to me, I will want to be alive again.

Aging less than gracefully

 I have only the best intentions when it comes to my golden years, yet I am continually bombarded with my own lack of grace in the process.  So far, in my quest to have a happy and/or contented retirement I have had issue after issue medically: heart attacks, strokes, cataracts, gall bladder...I mean what exactly is left?

After 50 plus years as a small yet admittedly voluptuous size, I have ballooned into what my mother would have called "pleasingly plumb but verging on fat". Why do our mothers (well American ones anyway) all seem to give us body dysmorphia? Going from size eight to size 16 is difficult enough without her words floating through my head. 

And of course, with heart disease it is difficult to exercise to the point of actually burning calories so the weight will fall off....sustained exercise is all but impossible now.

That leaves starvation as the means to lose weight. And don't say "KETO" to me. I also have metabolic syndrome, that lovely diabetes mellitus precursor, so I can't eat what is on that diet and maintain my sugar levels. Besides eating all that meat puts me off mentally. I'd happily go vegetarian but could never get George to give up his hamburgers, and I refuse to cook two meals every night.

So, what's a girl to do?

I made a decision to say SCREW IT whenever I begin to feel "fat" or "less than" anyone because of my weight.  I will quite happily float on into old age at a size 16...heck, I wouldn't even mind a size 22 now....except I'd need a new wardrobe and I am too cheap to get one.

So as long as my meds work, my eyes continue to see and my heart continue to beat I'm going to enjoy whatever time I have left.  And if it bothers anyone? Well, that's THEIR problem. They can just get over it or look the other way.

back again or just being annoying?

 So, am I back? or Not?

Haven't a clue. I simply know that I miss writing and this is the only word processor sort of thing on my computer...so here I am typing away.

It remains to be seen if I have anything at all of value to blather about.

It's been over two years since I "retired" the blog, and then it was because no one bothered to read the crap I was spewing...I had switched from WordPress back here to blogger and only one person seemed to know where to find me (even though I sent out multiple notifications to my "followers").  Now I realize I want the writing whether anyone "follows" me or not.

Okay, I guess I just answered the first question......I suppose I am "back".

or not.

I got out of the fakebook habit, can not abide twitter..no clue what Instagram is all about, but I do like Pinterest.  I keep track of former online gamer friends and ex-bloggers that way. Plus it's nice to find those strange Egyptian recipes I like.

I got a new freezer this week, and now have to go shop to fill the danged thing. Good thing my Medicare provider sent me a 500 buck debit card for groceries this week! Yea us! Tomorrow is son enough to go to the store. 

The fun times just keep coming! George found a small group of bedbugs on his mattress, so we have stripped the bed, sprayed it within an inch of its life, washed the mattress covers in hot (damned HOT!) water with a ton of bleach and washed every sheet, blanket and quilt that came anywhere near his bed.  Also had the joy of vacuuming the floors multiple times in an effort to kill the damned bugs.

The fun just never ends!

Ok, since now I am whinging instead of blogging, I'm off to check Pinterest.

Retiring the blog

 It's time.

For over 12 years I have been blathering at the universe through the medium of a blog.

I've "met' people from literally every corner of the world; had incredible discussions (some would call them arguments) about religion, politics, social justice, criminal justice..........................also shared recipes, insights into basic family life and so much more.

I have received kudos and complaints............praise and vilification.

All in all, it has been a wonderful part of my life.

Like all things though, its time has come and gone....

It's taken me a while to acknowledge it, but look it in the face and say hello I have done.

So, this is the last post.

There are people who have come to mean the world to me and I want to thank them here.

Cyranny of Cyranny's cove.......a blessing of a friend from Canada, aka Freezingland. You, my dear sweet girl, are a blessing to all you meet and interact with, whether online or in real life. You have added laughter, tears and such abundant love to my life and I bless you for it.

Harini of The Long View.  My farming friend from India..who in her later years, with her husband, followed their dream of owning a farm. Bless you my friend and Namaste.

Melanie or Sparks from a combustible mind.......Mel, your challenges, and conversations totally rock!

Saumya of Randomness Inked. One of the loveliest young women I have ever met. Compassionate, considerate, willing to assist others at the drop of a hat. Another of my International friends.

Katina.  I "met" Katina just a few short months ago...but what an impression she made upon me. Another lover of Dr Who...a single mom doing her best to raise a precocious child without family assistance......riding her magical pegacorn through life while dealing with significant issues. I adore her. Please visit her and give her some love. She is so deserving of it.

There are so many others that it is impossible for me to thank individually.  I am pretty sure each of them knows how I feel about them. Tom, Fandango, Calico Jack....Joe, Robert, Carol and Suzanne.....Linda, Melody, Sarah and Elizabeth...J-dub, Jill, and all the rest.

I will miss you all.

But the one I will miss the most (thank whomever for FaceBook) is Larry. We've followed each other through thick and thin and it feels as if I am leaving behind a family member. 

Namaste

once more with feeling...

  For some reason (yes we all KNOW the reason. it has a name...SUZE) my blog is not showing on any search engine.

That's right. It has disappeared.

(I don't see anything here, do you?)

Unless one knows its address one can never find the words so lovingly blathered (blithered?) upon the computer screen by me......Suze.

Yes, I know, I know....who really cares that Suze is blithering and babbling upon a computer?  

Hopefully someone does.  If not this second attempt has just flown beyond silly and into the realm of vast stupidity.

I hope.......yes I really do......that this time it has some charm attached and the post is visible to others.

I have nothing but admiration for those who understand the directions given by webbery employees in all the convoluted verbiage of computerese.......I don't get it.

I have "instructions" that force my mind into thoughts of vivisection.........of webmasters and their minions....throwing parts hither and yon whilst said webmasters and minions scream for mercy.

Unfortunately I can't physically get my addlepated mits upon them.......much to their relief I am sure.

So, this is an experiment...one in which we shall see if perhaps some irrational verbiage explodes into the ether of the web...........or is found floating within the confines of a search result.

Wish me luck? 

Share Your world, August 31, 2020 (yes I am late!)

 Roger Shipp and Melanie B Cee have partnered for the next few weeks to ask the Share Your World Challenge questions. Roger's take is from the Harry Potter series of books..Mel's are from the mind of Mel.

Check out BOTH of these intrepid writers through the klinks above.

Mel's questions: 

• What is the last song you sang along to?
• What was your scariest nightmare about?
• What food do you crave most often?
• What’s your grossest bug story?

Roger's questions:

1. Many local regions, especially rural areas where I live, have haunted houses. Have you ever spent the night in a house that was supposedly haunted? Anything ‘strange” happen?
   
   
2. The Quidditch Cup (riding broomsticks while chasing a small ball) was a huge sporting event in the land of Hogwarts. What is the largest sporting event (or concert, etc.) that you have ever attended?
   
   
3. When you go for a swim, do you prefer an ocean, the seaside lakes, or a pool?
   
   
4. Ron Weasley received a horrid robe to wear as formal wear to the Christmas dance at Hogwarts. Tell about the most ‘ghastly’ fashion statement that you have ever made.

 and my answers to the above....

"this is how you Burlesque" while shimmying around the living room with a paintbrush in my hands. Yes, I was painting as well.

Scariest nightmare? Walking through a forest with my tiny sons, and suddenly realizing I was no longer holding their hands, nor could I see them anywhere. I awoke screaming their names and frightening the dogs half to death.

food cravings? Ummmmmm, jammie dodgers. Doesn't help that I am American, and these biscuits are British and no store carries them.

Nope..sorry, not going there. I'll have nightmares again.

Yes, my best friend's home is haunted. We are pretty sure it's her great grandmother from the clothing we've seen the lady wear. She simply walks through a room into the kitchen.

Elton John, Greensboro North Carolina..his first American tour (rocketman tour)

Pool. I can't walk in sand anymore.

I haven't worn anything ghastly, actually. ever. 

forgot the pictures........

 Okay, so I did two major things in my home over the last two weeks...

I painted the living room and I wrenched off cupboard doors in the kitchen and rearranged all the canned goods, etc.

And I completely failed to stick in pictures.

Heck I could have been just babbling for all you know.......so........

Here's proof I actually did something!

First the pretty living room. Remember it used to be coral and turquoise........Now:

Pretty, Huh?  Okay, so for most people it's a bit much.....but for me, it is pretty darned calm!

And I cleared the pantry...

and put the things I use daily..coffee, flour, sugar, etc onto a pretty shelf.

For once, everything is easy for me to find and looks neat on the shelves.

It seems though, that once one thing is done (and works) it opens up a dozen more projects.

But, right now I am tired and simply going to go read a book.