It's getting better all the time.........

 Well, I was certainly depressed on December the 5th...Life has become a bit more bearable.

I am finally sleeping and (almost) getting enough rest.  Food is beginning to taste like food instead of cardboard. I (almost) have an appetite again. So, things are looking a bit better each week that passes.

I still find myself crying over completely inconsequential things. Like putting on a jacket to go outside and realizing it is either too hot or too cold for whatever jacket I chose. Not having clean blue socks and having to wear the tie dyed ones instead.  Having run out of hazelnut creamer and having to use (gasp) milk instead.

I was finally able to grocery shop by myself and found that I had two cans of bean soup in my cart when I went to check out. I HATE bean soup...that was only for George. I also had two cans of Spam...again, I HATE Spam.

I got through the checkout but once in the truck bawled like a baby. 

I no longer automatically cry when speaking of George, but then I still speak as if he is HERE....Once i realize HOW I am speaking THEN I begin to sob again. I'm now convinced I should have purchased stock in Kleenix back when I had the chance. I'd be rich just from the amount of money I have spent on them since September.

I was convinced I had a reasonable budget set up for the coming year until I received THREE notices from Social Security...all written on the same day...and ALL with differing amounts as to what I will receive in January. Calling to request an appointment to speak with someone is impossible. It was easier to get a medical appointment with the Army when George was active duty...and THEN I had to call on the second Tuesday of the month between 7 and 8 am and pray I was close enough to first in line to get an appointment eight months in the future!

But, even with the annoyances of Social Security and me bawling at absolutely NOTHING for no damned reason at all, life is becoming better each day. George was so right when he wrote "Sue, it won't be easy but YOU can do anything if you just get through one day...or one hour...or one minute at a time. I LOVE you and BELIEVE in you.  George"

Those are the first and last words George wrote on his "list of instructions for my wife".

I am so grateful that I was George's wife, his lover, and his best friend. Who else would have left me instructions that would allow me to get through each day while learning how to live without him?

what is the point?

 I am learning how to rely on friends instead of reliance upon George. This is one of the most difficult things I have ever tried to learn.

For so many years it has been George to whom I relied...for assistance, for support, for feedback on my concerns. Now that George is gone I have to rely on others.

There have been three or four people over my lifetime that I could rely upon...I consider myself lucky to have had so many. Thank goodness that I have a couple of very close friends that I can go to now. 

I had dental surgery yesterday, and was so grateful that Angela was able to spend not only the day, but all of last night with me. Thanks to my screwy metabolism I do very poorly whenever I have anesthesia of any kind. I suffer from digestive problems as well as feeling like my brain has simply been fried for hours afterwards. My memory is affected...negatively. I can not be relied upon to take medications properly. I am so grateful Ang was available to take care of it all for me.

Today I am fully functional, or as close to it as I can get...and once again have taken over my own care.  So, it was back to paying bills, paying property taxes, sorting medications for the coming week and just generally taking care of the day to day chores.

I have the added "fun" of filling in all the tunnels Nala has dug next to the back fence in her constant quest for freedom. The fence is starting to look like a rock wall instead of a chain link....but if it keeps George's crazy dog in the yard it is okay.

I've somehow manage to get several large housekeeping chores done with a minimum of expense. The roof is repaired with new shingles and sheathes... Two electrical sockets have been repaired inside the house, and George's shed is almost cleared out. I still need to transport 300 some models to the museum, and 400 military books to various museums...but I can see the light at the end of George's tunnel.

I still have to find a new home for his keyboard. I don't play anymore as I have forgotten how to read the music necessary for playing it. So a new home is needed.

Through all of this change, I still feel as though I am slogging through knee deep mud. So far, it is just one awful day after another with no ending in sight.  I still feel like less than half a human...and I wonder how long this lasts.  Will it ever get better, or is this what will be for each day of the rest of my life? if this is it....WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?