It's getting better all the time.........

 Well, I was certainly depressed on December the 5th...Life has become a bit more bearable.

I am finally sleeping and (almost) getting enough rest.  Food is beginning to taste like food instead of cardboard. I (almost) have an appetite again. So, things are looking a bit better each week that passes.

I still find myself crying over completely inconsequential things. Like putting on a jacket to go outside and realizing it is either too hot or too cold for whatever jacket I chose. Not having clean blue socks and having to wear the tie dyed ones instead.  Having run out of hazelnut creamer and having to use (gasp) milk instead.

I was finally able to grocery shop by myself and found that I had two cans of bean soup in my cart when I went to check out. I HATE bean soup...that was only for George. I also had two cans of Spam...again, I HATE Spam.

I got through the checkout but once in the truck bawled like a baby. 

I no longer automatically cry when speaking of George, but then I still speak as if he is HERE....Once i realize HOW I am speaking THEN I begin to sob again. I'm now convinced I should have purchased stock in Kleenix back when I had the chance. I'd be rich just from the amount of money I have spent on them since September.

I was convinced I had a reasonable budget set up for the coming year until I received THREE notices from Social Security...all written on the same day...and ALL with differing amounts as to what I will receive in January. Calling to request an appointment to speak with someone is impossible. It was easier to get a medical appointment with the Army when George was active duty...and THEN I had to call on the second Tuesday of the month between 7 and 8 am and pray I was close enough to first in line to get an appointment eight months in the future!

But, even with the annoyances of Social Security and me bawling at absolutely NOTHING for no damned reason at all, life is becoming better each day. George was so right when he wrote "Sue, it won't be easy but YOU can do anything if you just get through one day...or one hour...or one minute at a time. I LOVE you and BELIEVE in you.  George"

Those are the first and last words George wrote on his "list of instructions for my wife".

I am so grateful that I was George's wife, his lover, and his best friend. Who else would have left me instructions that would allow me to get through each day while learning how to live without him?

what is the point?

 I am learning how to rely on friends instead of reliance upon George. This is one of the most difficult things I have ever tried to learn.

For so many years it has been George to whom I relied...for assistance, for support, for feedback on my concerns. Now that George is gone I have to rely on others.

There have been three or four people over my lifetime that I could rely upon...I consider myself lucky to have had so many. Thank goodness that I have a couple of very close friends that I can go to now. 

I had dental surgery yesterday, and was so grateful that Angela was able to spend not only the day, but all of last night with me. Thanks to my screwy metabolism I do very poorly whenever I have anesthesia of any kind. I suffer from digestive problems as well as feeling like my brain has simply been fried for hours afterwards. My memory is affected...negatively. I can not be relied upon to take medications properly. I am so grateful Ang was available to take care of it all for me.

Today I am fully functional, or as close to it as I can get...and once again have taken over my own care.  So, it was back to paying bills, paying property taxes, sorting medications for the coming week and just generally taking care of the day to day chores.

I have the added "fun" of filling in all the tunnels Nala has dug next to the back fence in her constant quest for freedom. The fence is starting to look like a rock wall instead of a chain link....but if it keeps George's crazy dog in the yard it is okay.

I've somehow manage to get several large housekeeping chores done with a minimum of expense. The roof is repaired with new shingles and sheathes... Two electrical sockets have been repaired inside the house, and George's shed is almost cleared out. I still need to transport 300 some models to the museum, and 400 military books to various museums...but I can see the light at the end of George's tunnel.

I still have to find a new home for his keyboard. I don't play anymore as I have forgotten how to read the music necessary for playing it. So a new home is needed.

Through all of this change, I still feel as though I am slogging through knee deep mud. So far, it is just one awful day after another with no ending in sight.  I still feel like less than half a human...and I wonder how long this lasts.  Will it ever get better, or is this what will be for each day of the rest of my life? if this is it....WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?

It's been a year

 A full year since I last blogged about anything. 

It's been a wonderful and truly horrible year.

After 38 years of marriage, my George died suddenly.  I will be forever grateful that his last day was so filled with joy. He spent several hours at the local war museum fixing old models and creating new ones for the various displays. He came home and ate his favorite meal, played with the dogs and spent some quality time with me just sharing what his day had been like.

He went to bed and was sleeping soundly....so was I...when I heard him make a noise.  I jumped from the bed, turned on the light and saw my George. I called 911,

He stopped breathing. I started CPR...the emts arrived and took over. George had not breathed on his own for over 1/2 hour. He was definitively brain damaged but I didn't know how badly...yet.

George was transferred to a local hospital where he was sent to the ICU....they had intubated him.  He had a DNR order but had never signed the blasted thing, so I had no legal options. My power of attorney did NOT give me the right to take him off the life support, even though it was quite obvious to everyone that his brain activity was less than fully functional. George, my George was gone...leaving a body behind that was being kept alive by machines.

He was hospitalized for four days.  Four days of not knowing who I was, of not being able to maintain eye contact or understand the spoken word. Four days of being unable to swallow...or control his body movements. 

His brothers came as soon as they could and arrived the same day I had finally persuaded his doctor to release him to Hospice care. A neurology report had come back to confirm that a massive stroke had rendered his brain far beyond repair....with only brain stem activity. 

George came home on the 22nd of September.  His brothers had a chance to say goodbye. Josh, the young man that George loved as a grandson had a chance to say goodbye.

George died peacefully the following day.

And my life changed. Completely and not for the better. My companion of 60 years, my best friend and my husband all left me. I am alone for the very first time in my life. I have no one to kiss awake or hug goodnight. No one to cook for...no one to clean for. Or make a quilt for. Or laugh with over silly British comedies, No one who remembers our elementary through high school years...or our raising kids.

There are no models in my dining room.  No shoes left in every room of the house for me to trip over.

I kept a bottle of his aftershave.  I open it carefully and just breath in the scent that George used...and I can see him in my mind's eye...I can hear his laugh. I can almost feel his arms around me. But it doesn't last and I feel cleaved in half yet again.

I feel. I feel guilt for living, for laughing and for being so very angry.  I want to scream at him..."how could you leave me?", "Why did you leave me?" "Damn it all George, you were supposed to live longer than me!".

George left me a list.  On it are "suggestions" for each week...at first it was for each day, but enough time has gone by that it is now a once per week thing. He left instructions for his modals, his books, his clothes records and dvd's. He left instructions to "change the bedroom" so it was truly mines and not ours.

 All of the things he wrote, arranged or suggested have helped enormously. I think without his words to me I would have simply given up. I would have found a way to join him. He knew I would feel that way and did his best to force me to live. His list has helped. I'm still here. I just don't want to be. But I still have six pages to go and I know that by the time I finish George's list to me, I will want to be alive again.

Aging less than gracefully

 I have only the best intentions when it comes to my golden years, yet I am continually bombarded with my own lack of grace in the process.  So far, in my quest to have a happy and/or contented retirement I have had issue after issue medically: heart attacks, strokes, cataracts, gall bladder...I mean what exactly is left?

After 50 plus years as a small yet admittedly voluptuous size, I have ballooned into what my mother would have called "pleasingly plumb but verging on fat". Why do our mothers (well American ones anyway) all seem to give us body dysmorphia? Going from size eight to size 16 is difficult enough without her words floating through my head. 

And of course, with heart disease it is difficult to exercise to the point of actually burning calories so the weight will fall off....sustained exercise is all but impossible now.

That leaves starvation as the means to lose weight. And don't say "KETO" to me. I also have metabolic syndrome, that lovely diabetes mellitus precursor, so I can't eat what is on that diet and maintain my sugar levels. Besides eating all that meat puts me off mentally. I'd happily go vegetarian but could never get George to give up his hamburgers, and I refuse to cook two meals every night.

So, what's a girl to do?

I made a decision to say SCREW IT whenever I begin to feel "fat" or "less than" anyone because of my weight.  I will quite happily float on into old age at a size 16...heck, I wouldn't even mind a size 22 now....except I'd need a new wardrobe and I am too cheap to get one.

So as long as my meds work, my eyes continue to see and my heart continue to beat I'm going to enjoy whatever time I have left.  And if it bothers anyone? Well, that's THEIR problem. They can just get over it or look the other way.

back again or just being annoying?

 So, am I back? or Not?

Haven't a clue. I simply know that I miss writing and this is the only word processor sort of thing on my computer...so here I am typing away.

It remains to be seen if I have anything at all of value to blather about.

It's been over two years since I "retired" the blog, and then it was because no one bothered to read the crap I was spewing...I had switched from WordPress back here to blogger and only one person seemed to know where to find me (even though I sent out multiple notifications to my "followers").  Now I realize I want the writing whether anyone "follows" me or not.

Okay, I guess I just answered the first question......I suppose I am "back".

or not.

I got out of the fakebook habit, can not abide twitter..no clue what Instagram is all about, but I do like Pinterest.  I keep track of former online gamer friends and ex-bloggers that way. Plus it's nice to find those strange Egyptian recipes I like.

I got a new freezer this week, and now have to go shop to fill the danged thing. Good thing my Medicare provider sent me a 500 buck debit card for groceries this week! Yea us! Tomorrow is son enough to go to the store. 

The fun times just keep coming! George found a small group of bedbugs on his mattress, so we have stripped the bed, sprayed it within an inch of its life, washed the mattress covers in hot (damned HOT!) water with a ton of bleach and washed every sheet, blanket and quilt that came anywhere near his bed.  Also had the joy of vacuuming the floors multiple times in an effort to kill the damned bugs.

The fun just never ends!

Ok, since now I am whinging instead of blogging, I'm off to check Pinterest.

Retiring the blog

 It's time.

For over 12 years I have been blathering at the universe through the medium of a blog.

I've "met' people from literally every corner of the world; had incredible discussions (some would call them arguments) about religion, politics, social justice, criminal justice..........................also shared recipes, insights into basic family life and so much more.

I have received kudos and complaints............praise and vilification.

All in all, it has been a wonderful part of my life.

Like all things though, its time has come and gone....

It's taken me a while to acknowledge it, but look it in the face and say hello I have done.

So, this is the last post.

There are people who have come to mean the world to me and I want to thank them here.

Cyranny of Cyranny's cove.......a blessing of a friend from Canada, aka Freezingland. You, my dear sweet girl, are a blessing to all you meet and interact with, whether online or in real life. You have added laughter, tears and such abundant love to my life and I bless you for it.

Harini of The Long View.  My farming friend from India..who in her later years, with her husband, followed their dream of owning a farm. Bless you my friend and Namaste.

Melanie or Sparks from a combustible mind.......Mel, your challenges, and conversations totally rock!

Saumya of Randomness Inked. One of the loveliest young women I have ever met. Compassionate, considerate, willing to assist others at the drop of a hat. Another of my International friends.

Katina.  I "met" Katina just a few short months ago...but what an impression she made upon me. Another lover of Dr Who...a single mom doing her best to raise a precocious child without family assistance......riding her magical pegacorn through life while dealing with significant issues. I adore her. Please visit her and give her some love. She is so deserving of it.

There are so many others that it is impossible for me to thank individually.  I am pretty sure each of them knows how I feel about them. Tom, Fandango, Calico Jack....Joe, Robert, Carol and Suzanne.....Linda, Melody, Sarah and Elizabeth...J-dub, Jill, and all the rest.

I will miss you all.

But the one I will miss the most (thank whomever for FaceBook) is Larry. We've followed each other through thick and thin and it feels as if I am leaving behind a family member. 

Namaste

once more with feeling...

  For some reason (yes we all KNOW the reason. it has a name...SUZE) my blog is not showing on any search engine.

That's right. It has disappeared.

(I don't see anything here, do you?)

Unless one knows its address one can never find the words so lovingly blathered (blithered?) upon the computer screen by me......Suze.

Yes, I know, I know....who really cares that Suze is blithering and babbling upon a computer?  

Hopefully someone does.  If not this second attempt has just flown beyond silly and into the realm of vast stupidity.

I hope.......yes I really do......that this time it has some charm attached and the post is visible to others.

I have nothing but admiration for those who understand the directions given by webbery employees in all the convoluted verbiage of computerese.......I don't get it.

I have "instructions" that force my mind into thoughts of vivisection.........of webmasters and their minions....throwing parts hither and yon whilst said webmasters and minions scream for mercy.

Unfortunately I can't physically get my addlepated mits upon them.......much to their relief I am sure.

So, this is an experiment...one in which we shall see if perhaps some irrational verbiage explodes into the ether of the web...........or is found floating within the confines of a search result.

Wish me luck?